Islamic TV Guide
6.00: G-Had TV.
Talitubbies say “Eh-oh”. Dipsy and Tinky-Winky repair a Stinger missile launcher.
9.00: Shouts of Praise.
10.00: The Apprentice.
Ten young Muslims complete a variety of tasks each week – one of them will be recruited by prominent Islamist leader Muqtada al-Sadr into a top position in the Mahdi Army.
11.00: Jihad’s Army.
The Kandahar-on-Sea battalion repulse another attack by evil, imperialist, Zionist backed infidels.
12.00: Ready, Steady, Jihad!
Celebrities make lethal devices out of everyday objects.
The programme reports on America’s attempts to take over the world.
13.30: Xena, Jihadi Warrior.
Modestly dressed housewife Xena stays at home and does some cooking.
14.00: Only Fools and Camels.
Dhal-Boy offloads some Chinese rocket launchers to Hamas.
14.30: Green Peter.
The total of Kalashnikovs bought by the milk bottle top appeal is revealed.
15.00: Madrasah Challenge.
Two more Islamic colleges meet. Bambah Kaskhain asks the questions. ‘Starter for ten, no praying.’
15.30: I Love 629.
A look back at the events of the year, including the Prophet’s entry into Mecca, and the destruction of pagan idols.
16.00: Question Time.
Members of the public face questions from political and religious leaders.
Can the American prisoners defuse the bomb in their cell before the timer runs down?
17.00: Koranation Street.
Deirdrie faces execution by stoning for adultery.
17.30: Middle-East Enders.
The entire cast is jailed for unislamic behaviour.
The team go on pilgrimage to Mecca. Again.
18.30: Top of the Prophets.
Will the Koran be No.1 for the 63,728th week running?
19.00: Who wants to be a Muhajadin?
Mahmoud Tarran asks the questions. Will contestants phone a mullah, go ‘inshallah’, or ask the Islamic council?
20.00: FILM: Shariah’s Angels.
The three burkha-clad sleuths go undercover to expose an evil scheme to educate women.
21.30: Big Brother.
Who will be taken out of the house and executed this week?
22.00: Imam Ted.
Sitcom about three imams who live on a tiny island in the Persian Gulf. This week, Imam Dhuga’il accidentally burns down the mosque, while Imam Jakh is stoned to death for drinking alcohol.
22.30: Shahs in their Eyes.
More hopefuls imitate famous destroyers of the infidel.
23.30: They think it’s Allah over.
Quiz culminating in the ‘Don’t feel the Mullah’ round.
Midnight: When Imams Attack.
Amusing footage shot secretly in mosques. The filmers were also secretly shot.
00:.30: The West Bank Show.
Arts programme looking at anti-Israel graffiti art in the occupied territories.
01.30: Bhuffi the Infidel Slayer.
02.00: A book at Bedtime.
The Koran. Again.